When Mark Meets Selina

Those of you who read my Alcohol Diary will know that I'm currently writing to Stirling University's lawyer, Alun Thomas, in order to obtain additional information from them with regard to their defense against the claim I brought to the Employment Tribunal.

The information I'm seeking will be the answers to questions from certain witnesses, and I've been trying to imagine how the witnesses may react to receiving my questions. Naturally, one would expect that good, law abiding citizens would be only too happy to assist with the smooth course of justice, but how will the lying bastards at Stirling University react? Could it go something like this...?

Mark: Thanks for popping in Selina, this shouldn't take long. I know how very busy you are with your work. Can I introduce you to Alun Thomas; he's the university's lawyer. Alun, this is Selina Gibb. Selina is a vital cog in the university's wheel. Selina, do you remember a chap who used to work in your team who behaved inappropriately with you women?

Selina: You mean Allan?

Mark: Yes, terrible chap, if I remember rightly. Am I correct in saying that he raped half the women in your team?

Alun: There were no complaints of rape, Mark.

Mark: Still, a terrible chap all the same. I'm sure he would have raped them, given half a chance. Just as well I got shot of the bastard before he did then. Make a note of that, Alun, I should certainly bring that to the attention of the tribunal members.

Alun: Noted.

Mark: Now Selina, this terrible chap, Allan, is up to some mischief. He's gone and produced this fake audio file that he falsely claims demonstrates that you were joking with him shortly after the first time he raped you.

Alun: No, Mark. He didn't rape her. he scared her by behaving wildly, his face going red, spitting and that type of thing. Naturally, it made her nervous and anxious to be around him.

Mark: Now Selina, I've listened to this recording, and, to be perfectly honest, it sounds nothing like you. He has obviously employed some actress; one that wasn't nervous and anxious, to play your part in a fake conversation he has made up. And he has forced the actress to joke with him. He is obviously desperately trying to taint your character and to present you as a liar. Have a listen, and tell me if you think I'm wrong. I'm sure you will agree with me...

Now that I've heard it again, Selina, I'm not even sure that the actress is of British origin. He's obviously hired a very cheap foreign actress who sounds nothing like you. It wouldn't surprise me if he raped her afterwards. Alun, make a note of that. When you cross examine him, ask him if he raped the actress. He'll probably deny it. His sort usually do. But at least it will be out in the open.

So, I'm sorry to put you to this trouble, Selina, but although it is obviously not you on the recording, I just need you to please confirm that to Alun. And then we can all go back to being a very happy team again, and we can forget all about that dreadful, dreadful man. Please, Selina. Please?

Selina: If I said it's not me, would I have to go to court and say under oath that it's not me?

Mark: I can absolutely assure you Selina that we do not want you to appear in court. You are far more valuable to us here, doing the work that you busily do for the university. What on earth would we do if there was an emergency, only to find that you couldn't deal with it because you were in court? No, Selina, I promise you we do not want you anywhere near the court. Isn't that true, Alun?

Alun: I assure you Selina, that we will not be calling you as a witness.

Selina: So there's no way I would have to repeat this in court?

Mark: Like I said, Selina. We do not want you in court. We need you right here.

Selina: But couldn't the tribunal force me to appear, even if you don't want me to be there?

Mark: I feel sure that, once we have explained to the tribunal how important you are to the running of the university, they will understand that it's not necessary for you to attend. We'll just tell them that you said it wasn't you in the recording.

Alun: It's possible the tribunal may require you to appear as a witness, Selina.

Selina: Then I'm sorry, but it is me on the recording.

Mark: How can you be so sure, Selina? Here, listen to it again. Turn the volume down a bit. Listen from over there. I'm sure you don't really think I'm wrong. Take your time. Don't make any harsh decisions that you may later regret.

Selina: I'm sorry, but it is me.

Mark: That's okay, Selina. Not to worry. That's not a problem. I'm sure there's a simple explanation for this. I expect you just temporarily forgot that you were nervous and anxious around him. That happens to me all the time. Yes, that's what happened, isn't it, Selina. You just forgot. Please say that's what happened Selina. You just forgot, didn't you.

Selina: I'm sorry, Mark. I wasn't nervous and anxious. I just made that up.

Mark: No, Selina. You don't know what you're saying. You don't look very well. Why don't you go home; come back tomorrow if you're feeling better and you remember that you just forgot. I'll understand. We'll have a good laugh about it, I bet.

Selina: There's no point. I lied. I wasn't nervous and anxious, because he hadn't made me nervous and anxious.

Mark: Well this isn't my fault. I genuinely believed you. My investigators were absolutely convinced.

Mark phones the investigators, and asks them to join the meeting.

Mark: Selina has just told me she lied in her statement about being nervous and anxious.

Graham: You don't look well, Selina. Maybe you should go home until you feel better and remember that you were anxious and nervous.

Mark: I've already tried that.

Gail: I told you she was lying, Graham. I told you they were all lying. It was obvious!

Mark: Is that true, Graham?

Graham: Wait a minute. Don't try and pin this on me, Mark. I was only following your instructions.

Mark: What instructions? I told you I wanted a fair and thorough investigation. If you have any written instructions that are different, I would like to see them please. This is terrible. An innocent man has lost his job because of your incompetence and dishonesty. I will have to reinstate him right away; it's the least I can do after all you've done to him. I'm shocked. I'm very shocked! Obviously, I'm blameless, but I'm really shocked.

Mark: Can you all see just how shocked I am by this? There's no way I could possibly look more shocked. You are watching maximum shock!

Alun: Erm... Allan has also given me questions for you, Mark; and you Gail; and you too Graham.

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